


Delphini's First Shed

by littlecupkate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Family Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Menstruation, Not Canon Compliant, Parental Nagini (Harry Potter), i never paid attention to cursed child, oblivious voldemort, you can tell bc i call her delphini
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26466022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlecupkate/pseuds/littlecupkate
Summary: Voldemort and Harry don't know what to do when Delphini comes to them with the news that she's shedding. Mostly because she is a teenage girl, not a snake....right?
Relationships: Delphi & Harry Potter, Delphi & Nagini (Harry Potter), Delphi & Voldemort (Harry Potter), Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Nagini & Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Comments: 8
Kudos: 73





	Delphini's First Shed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DreamingofSleeping](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingofSleeping/gifts).



> For Drowsy, whose true story inspired this. 
> 
> Thank you to [alisha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alfisha/profile) for beta-ing this for me 

“Daddy! Daddy! I started shedding!” Delphini yelled as she raced down the hall to Voldemort's study. “I started shedding!” she said, breathless in the doorway. 

“For the last time, you will call me Father, not Daddy,” Voldemort groaned. Harry, who was sitting across from him, laughed at Delphini's antics. He did not know how Voldemort did not realize his continued protests just encouraged her.

“Harry!” Delphini turned, thrilled to see her favorite person. “Did you hear? I started shedding!”

“You are a human, not a snake. You don’t shed,” Voldemort said with exasperation. “You must spend less time with Nagini. She'll just fill your head with lies.”

Delphini nodded, “I know Nagini’s not always right.” The snake, who had finally slithered in the study, hissed in offense. “After all, she says you’re better than Harry and obviously that’s not true.”

Voldemort couldn’t even argue with that, as much as he might want to.

“But in this case, she’s right! I'm shedding!”

Voldemort opened his mouth to argue the point, but Harry cut him off. “What do you mean by shedding?” He asked patiently, “Did you get a sunburn? You know you need to be careful in the sun. I’ll get a potion to help your skin heal—“

“No.” Delphini rolled her eyes. She liked Harry best, but sometimes he was just so lame. “I didn’t get a sunburn. I’m shedding from here,” she clarified, pointing at her abdomen.

Both men looked at her blankly.

“Your stomach is shedding?”

“No, you idiots! My uterus is!”

Both men froze in shock. Harry grabbed the nearest sheet of parchment on Voldemort's desk and ripped his quill out of his hand. He started to frantically scribble something down.

Voldemort could only stare at his child. Was this even his child? Surely, she wouldn’t be so prone to overshare if she was his. Oh god, did she take after Bellatrix? What a nightmare that would be. Maybe he could make Narcissa take care of her if that was the case. She had taken care of her crazy sister before her death, and no matter what, Delphini couldn’t be as bad as that.

Harry whistled and gave the parchment to Hedwig. “Okay, I sent a letter to Hermione. She’ll know how to help you, right? This is like a thing everyone born with female sex organs go through, right?”

Delphini looked much less excited than she was when she ran into the office. “Yes, this is totally normal,” she sighed. “I just wanted to tell you that I am a woman now. I didn’t need anything. I forgot how you men get about this sort of thing.” She sighed dramatically again, and left the room moodily.

Nagini immediately started lecturing Voldemort. _“The snakeling just wanted to share the joyous news of her first shed, and look at what you did now! You celebrate a snakelings first shed, and save the skin for prosperity. You do not kill their excitement! Why are you such a bad father...I know you weren't grown enough to have a hatchling. This is why it's good you have me. I have never raised a human snakeling before but I am sure doing a better job than you…”_

“I did the right thing by asking Hermione to come help, right?” Harry asked. Nagini's lectures on parenting were a regular occurrence, and easy to tune out. The snake huffed, once more offended and slithered after Delphini.

Voldemort whipped around to look at his desk. “What did you use to write the mud—muggleborn?” Harry shrugged, and Voldemort narrowed his eyes. “You didn't use my confidential plans, did you?” he said, without much hope. “You did not send those to the enemy.”

Harry opened his mouth to argue that Hermione was not the enemy but a loud crack from the entrance hall cut him off before he could even begin.

“Harry!” Hermione yelled, “I brought supplies for Delphini, but I need to have a talk with your boyfriend first…”

“Ah, Ms. Granger.” Voldemort watched as she marched into the office, and stood in front of his desk, arms crossed. “You wouldn’t happen to have those plans my dear Harry accidentally sent you, would you?” Voldemort held his hand out expectantly.

“That thing that you called a plan? No, I wouldn’t have those. I burnt them.”

Voldemort clenched his hand in a fist. “And why would you do that?”

“Because they were absolutely disgusting nonsense!” Hermione burst out, finally losing her temper. She whipped around to face her best friend. “Did you know about what he was planning?!”

Harry held his hands up, “One of the rules is that we don’t talk politics. I have no idea what you are on about.”

“What’s the point of dating him if you aren’t going to use your position to find out and stop his evil plans?” Harry opened his mouth, but Hermione did not give him a chance to answer. She wouldn’t have appreciated his answer anyway. “He is proposing yet another bill to limit the rights of muggleborns. He wants to make it so we can’t work for the ministry at all!” She turned back to Voldemort, hands on her hips, ready to start yelling at him, but this time Harry cut her off before she got the chance to really get going. (And probably get cursed.)

“Again? Really?” Harry mock sighed. “You know, Vee, you are really showing your insecurities when you do that.”

Both Hermione and Voldemort looked at him. “Excuse me?”

“I know you are intimidated by Hermione’s intelligence—” Voldemort looked offended, while Hermione smiled smugly “—but you really don’t need to make laws just to protect your position.” Harry paused, “Besides, isn’t that cheating?”

“I am not competing with her.” Voldemort said, repulsed by the notion. “And even if I was, I wouldn’t need to cheat to win.”

Harry cocked his head to the side. “I have a hard time believing that. After all, if you really thought you didn’t have to cheat, why would you propose such a bill?”

Voldemort looked stunned for a second. “You actually believe that I would create a bill just to block your mudblood?” He gritted out, fist clenching tighter.

Hermione and Harry both glared at him, but Voldemort did not retract the slur. “It seems to be what the evidence suggests,” Harry finally responded and shrugged.

“Fine!” Voldemort snarled. “I will put the bill on hold. I do not need any advantage given to me to be better than everyone else.”

“If that’s settled, I’ll just go find Delphini then.” Hermione smirked at Harry, and sauntered out of the room.

“You played me.” Voldemort accused, “What happened to no politics interfering with our relationship?”

“I don’t think politics interfered at all,” Harry said lightly. “Maybe morals, but that’s something completely different. You don’t think Delphini will save her first shed, right?”

Voldemort really felt he was speechless too many times today. “What are you talking about?”

“Nagini said a first shed should be saved; you don’t think Delphini listened to that, right?”

“No.” Voldemort said, point blank. “No. Absolutely not. She wouldn’t….would she?” He would have been more sure if Delphini didn’t call her period a shed. It seemed like a bad sign to Voldemort. “Damnit, this is why you shouldn’t have killed Bellatrix!” 

“What?” Harry asked, “What does that have to do with anything?”

“If you didn’t kill Bellatrix, Delphini would have a mother figure that wasn’t Nagini!”

“You really think Bellatrix would be even a remotely good mother figure? Be real, Nagini’s definitely better.”

“Well, maybe,” Voldemort sputtered. “But at least she would be the same species!”

“In the muggle world, plenty of gay couples raise children of the opposite gender. She doesn’t need a mother figure, she just needs to be exposed to females other than a snake.” Harry paused, “This is besides the point. Delphini probably doesn’t need to be told to not save any…relics from her first period, but Nagini will still kill us if we don’t do anything to celebrate. She might save things from Delphini’s first shed.”

Voldemort shuddered, “We’ll throw a party; that should satisfy her.”

“As long as you actually invite people. You need to stop isolating Delphini. You're sabotaging her emotional development! You don't want her to end up like you.”

“It seems like it might not be the best idea to have Nagini as her sole female influence.” Voldemort agreed reluctantly. “And Narcissa has been asking to see her niece. It was starting to get a bit annoying.”

“A party then,” Harry smiled. “I’m sure she'll love it.”

“You're throwing a what?” Hermione asked, disbelievingly.

“A period party.” Harry repeated.

“That's what I thought you said.” Hermione leaned back in her seat, as if the crazy was contagious, and she didn't want to catch it. “And why would you do that?”

Harry explained their reasoning. Hermione nodded along as he did, then shook her head when he finished. “No, I am absolutely not helping you do that.” Hermione said. She really wondered about Harry's intelligence sometimes. The questions she had about it just seemed to grow the more time he spent around Voldemort. It seemed paradoxical, if Voldemort was really as smart as he was said to be, but Hermione also had her doubts about that.

“Do you even know if Delphini wants this party?” she asked.

“This isn't about Delphini,” Voldemort snapped, previously having stayed silent and letting Harry explain. “This is about Nagini!”

“No.” Hermione said with finality. She apparated away before either man could come up with another argument. 

“Well, I guess we’ll have to go with Narcissa then,” Harry sighed.

Voldemort winced. Narcissa became very intense about parties, but he wasn’t sure if her type of party would count as a worthy celebration in Nagini’s mind. Still, it seemed they didn’t have a choice. The muggleborn was bad enough, he wasn’t going to let Harry ask for the Weasleys’ help. Voldemort already feared what would happen if Narcissa found out they didn’t ask her first. No need to add arch-enemies to the mix. Oh fuck, Harry was going to want to invite the Weasleys, Voldemort suddenly realized. Well, he would insist on having it at Malfoy Manor; at least it wouldn't be his house that got damaged.

_“This is not a proper shedding celebration,”_ Nagini hissed at Voldemort, who valiantly tried to ignore her and just sip at his ginger tea. _“You did not display the most wondrous miracle of her first shed! Are you not proud of your snakeling? What a poor excuse of a celebration this is! It should be more like the parties you and the other snakelings threw when—“_

Voldemort silencio-ed Nagini. Both Harry and Delphini were listening to Nagini avidly, and they really didn’t need to know about that. He had to admit that Nagini was right though; this was a poor excuse for a celebration. Narcissa seemed more confused than excited when he asked her to throw the party, and it showed. It was not as opulent as her usual parties were, and the menu appeared to be just random. Ten different types of dessert was acceptable, but it was strange that they were all chocolate. Teas were also fine, but he expected some variety, not just some weird herbal teas.

There wasn’t even quality amusement. The Malfoys and Weasleys were not fighting at all. Everyone was just quietly sitting, sipping from their herbal teas or water glasses, and eating one of the many types of chocolate they were offered. None of the Weasley children even looked embarrassed. Maybe they did not know why they were there? If that was the case, Voldemort could do something about that—

Harry kicked his shin under the table, and Nagini bit him at the same time. He looked at them in askance.

“You have your ‘I’m plotting something evil’ face,” Harry whispered.

 _“Even if the shedding celebration is trash, you will not ruin it for your snakeling,”_ Nagini hissed. Voldemort groaned; he really hated how quick his spells wore off when it came to her.

Delphini had obviously heard Nagini’s comment and whipped around to give him a Look™, before turning back to her aunt. Delphini was talking with all the females Weasleys, and Narcissa. They all seemed calm, yet interested in the conversation they were having. He didn’t know what was going on there; usually they would all never get along. Narcissa didn’t even look disgusted by the mudblood’s presence!

Narcissa called a house elf, and a few minutes later, salted chips appeared on the tables. It was obviously the mudblood’s suggestion. Voldemort was baffled. Did she suddenly turn into a muggle sympathizer? He would have to check his army to see if there were more of them. Of course, he would be disappointed in them, but if the majority had given up those ideals, he could possibly use them for something else. Harry would be happy with that, at least…

Harry kicked him again. “You still have your ‘I’m an evil genius’ face.”

“I am a genius,” Voldemort responded, trying to ignore the monstrosity of chocolate-covered popcorn that just appeared on their table—another muggle-born idea for sure. “What do you think they are doing over there?”

Harry stared at him, then shook his head. “You’re hopeless, poor Delphini...” he muttered under his breath, then said, “You’re the genius, why don’t you figure it out?”

“Nagini, go check on Delphini.” Voldemort instructed his familiar. Predictably, the stubborn snake did not obey his orders right away. He had to convince her it was for Delphini’s own good that Nagini spy for Voldemort. Voldemort was really starting to miss the days when it was just him and Nagini against the world. She never questioned him back then. Now, he was constantly being asked ‘why,’ and not just from Nagini. Harry and Delphini also drove him crazy with the amount of questions they asked.

That reminded him, he really needed to get a paternity test done on Delphini.

He was ignoring the fact that she spoke parseltongue, Harry was plenty proof that it wasn’t just his family that had that ability. It was totally possible that Bellatrix got knocked up by someone else and claimed the resulting spawn as his. Actually, he didn’t remember seeing much of Bellatrix when she was supposedly ‘pregnant.’ She could have found some parselmouth baby and claimed it was their child. Delphini was just so unlike him. Harry and Nagini were delusional, as was everybody else. He didn’t understand why he was the only one who could see these things.

 _“Delphini is getting advice from the older female humans about how to handle her shedding.”_ Nagini wrapped herself around his chair. _“She says you are a loser for spying on her.”_

See, this was just more evidence; Voldemort would never take advice from anybody.

 _“You should be ashamed of yourself.”_ Nagini scolded, _“The snakeling is seeking others for advice! You are such a bad parent! This is the only celebration you threw for any of the snakeling’s sheds, and you foisted it off on your minions instead of doing it yourself!”_

“Any of Delphini’s sheds?” Harry suddenly asked, “What do you mean ‘any of Delphini’s sheds’? There were more?”

Nagini tensed up, and it was only Voldemort’s hold on her that stopped her from lunging at Harry. He wasn’t immune to Nagini’s poison as Voldemort was. _“Of course there were more sheds! You stupid human! I even saved proof of each one! Which is more than either of you did!”_

“You what?” Harry and Voldemort asked in simultaneous disbelief.

 _“I congratulate the snakeling on all her sheds, and save the shed.”_ Nagini repeated, somehow not seeing anything wrong with that statement. _“I will show you once we get back to the nest. Not that either of you deserve to see it!”_

Harry and Voldemort stared in mutual horror. The party seemed to last forever, and finish way too soon. When the time came to apparate home, Delphini was happily laden with gifts, and Voldemort had decided there was a possibility she could be his daughter. Lying was something he too was very good at. She definitely had them both fooled when she ran into his study a few days ago. He…he thought he might be feeling a bit proud.

“Delphini, was this really your first, uh, cycle?” Harry asked hesitantly.

Voldemort couldn’t believe he just came right out and asked her that. Didn’t he know that you wait until you have proof that someone is lying before confronting them?

Delphini gave him a baffled look, “Yeah, it was. Is your memory so bad that you forgot I just told you that a few days ago?” Harry was still her favorite, but she was a teenager.

“No, it’s just that Nagini said that she saved something from all your sheds.”

Damnit Harry, this wasn’t an American criminal court. The prosecution didn’t have to share all their evidence with the defense before putting them on trial.

“I have no idea what she means by that,” Delphini said, truly looking baffled. Voldemort thought that this might be one of the proudest moments of his life.

 _“Ungrateful snakeling,”_ Nagini grumbled, _“I congratulate you, and collect your treasures so we may one day display them, and this is how I’m treated? You are just like your father.”_

Yes, she really was. Voldemort didn’t know why he ever considered getting a paternity test done.

 _“Follow me,”_ Nagini slithered off. The three humans followed. Voldemort wondered if his familiar was sick. She seemed really committed to this thing. Maybe she was having delusions. That wouldn’t be good at all; he couldn’t have a crazy familiar.

On the way, Nagini groaned about having to use human halls, and how much longer it took to get to her treasured collection. They ended up three doors down from where they started, but it took them a half-hour to get there following Nagini’s path.

 _“I don’t use the human ways,”_ she said haughtily when this was pointed out to her.

Exasperated, Harry opened the closet door.

This was it. The moment of truth…

“ _See_ ,” Nagini said, slithering into the closet with excitement. “ _I have this one from the snakeling’s most recent shed,_ ” she used her tail to point to a stained pair of sleep shorts. “ _I have this one from the snakeling’s shed last month,_ ” she pointed to a pile of nail clippings. “ _I have some of the everyday sheds here,_ ” there was a pile of hair. “ _And I have one of the oldest sheds here._ ” Nagini pointed to a box of baby teeth. Voldemort had wondered where those had gone. It figured that Nagini had stolen them then claimed he didn’t celebrate any of Delphini’s sheds.

“These…these are all different things,” Harry pointed out.

“ _They are,_ ” Nagini agreed. “ _You humans have many types of sheds,_ ” she sounded bewildered. “ _I didn’t even know of this type of shed until Delphini told me._ ”

“I said I was shedding the lining of my uterus,” Delphini said in response to the looks she got. “Don’t blame me! And getting my first period is a big deal!”

Nagini slithered up Delphini’s body. “ _Of course it is! A first shedding of any type is a big deal! Don’t let them tell you differently,_ ” she cooed as they walked away.

Voldemort and Harry looked at each other, then at the closet.

“At least you found where Delphini’s baby teeth disappeared to,” Harry finally said.

“Yes,” Voldemort bent down to take the box, “but I still need to get that paternity test done.”


End file.
